A Love Story Gone Wrong
by Bricket Wood
Summary: The tale continues, only this time it has an added man and elf for your enjoyment; a short hairy dwarf also makes an appearance. This is the sequel to 'Seduction of Grima Wormtongue' and it is strongly suggested you read that first.


**A LOVE STORY GONE WRONG**

By Luton Airport and Bricket Wood Services

Disclaimer: All place and character names belong to Tolkien; their sadly twisted personalities now belong to us. The sound of ringing bells is nabbed from Terry Pratchett (see if you can guess which book), and thecharacterisation of major, well characters has probably been influenced somewhat by the fantastic work of the Bagenders author's.

Go read their work now!

Feedback: Constructive criticism and praise welcome.

Summary: The tale continues, only this time it has an added man and elf for your enjoyment. A short hairy dwarf also makes an appearance.

**Be warned, strange humour with mild language and some strong slashy overtones lies within.**

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* * *

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Eowyn had recalled something. She didn't like being a butch shield maiden on a military march. It was very cold and wet; she was very hungry and was beginning to get thoroughly pissed off about all of her ruined dresses. In short, she was feeling exceedingly miserable but she was damned if she was going to let anyone know about it. She did have a reputation as hard-arsed bitch to maintain after all. So she decided to distract herself from her many woes for a while by eyeing up the local talent.

He gaze fell on Rider no.32 but before long he had been dismissed as being too girly. Next she undertook a study of Rider no.51 but he was immediately discarded as too butch. It was then she spotted a man riding just in front of her. Hmm…from the back he certainly looked interesting, definitely one with potential. The mystery man turned around.

"Eomer! Urgh!" Eowyn tried very, very hard to forget what she had just been thinking about. As she desperately cast around for something else to focus upon, she saw him.

"Ooh, a rugged ranger! Now that's more like it."

* * *

Legolas pranced along in an elf-like way, laughing at that woman in the muddy dress whilst comparing his perfect attire to hers. He took in the torn hem, and the mud splattered up around her knees, as well as the bodice of the piece which was, he noticed disdainfully, so last season. He moved his scrutiny upwards, taking in the tangled, dirty hair and finally noticed that the woman was staring back at him. What impudence! He tried to think of something scathing to say when he saw the lady shift her gaze to look at Aragorn. It took him all of a mille-second to decipher the look in her eyes. That cow! Aragorn was his! Just to make sure she knew that too, he grabbed his man and gave him a possessive hug, glaring back at her.

* * *

It had been a few days since Eomer, son of Eomund had had his little teacake brutally taken away from him, and since then he had spent every waking moment dreaming of many different ways in which he could get revenge on his sister for condemning him to such misery, but all of them were either too impractical or simply not nasty enough. And so it was that after many nights of scheming the perfect solution presented itself as the people of Rohan were fleeing to the shelter of Helm's Deep.

Eomer had turned to throw a dirty look at Eowyn and had noticed her staring at that rugged ranger, Aradorm or something, with barely concealed lust evident in her eyes. He followed her gaze and also noticed that the admittedly pretty elf was staring back at the shield maiden, whilst moving closer to said rugged ranger, who seemed oblivious to both of them.

"Mwahahahahaha!" thought Eomer as the Plan formed in his mind. This was going to be a very sweet revenge indeed.

* * *

Aragorn remained oblivious to all of them, being somewhat distracted from reality whilst thinking of names for his horse. At the moment he was having trouble deciding between 'Bubbles' and 'Super-steed of Death'.

* * *

And so it was that another hour or two passed by on the long boring march to Helm's Deep. Both elf and lady had spent the time periodically glowering at each other and Eomer had had a great deal of fun laughing at them both. But now the joke had worn a bit thin and our noble Horse-Lord was getting bored, so he decided to go and amuse himself by tormenting his sister a bit.

He rode up to where she was walking and casually continued to ride by her side for another mile or two. All seemed perfectly amicable, but if one were to truly analyse the picture then they would have noticed that for some time now Eomer's horse had been slowly but steadily moving closer towards Eowyn. Eventually it caused her to shift further away from the beast, but Eomer kept following her, pushing her further and further out of line. With a final bump he finally pushed her right down the hill.

Eowyn yelled as she tumbled, and hearing her distressed cry everyone ran to help their most beloved Lady. Eomer smirked as his sister got to her feet, noticed the large crowd running towards her, and ran, screaming, away from them. Well, that had gone very well, if he did say so himself. Feeling smug, he spotted the elf collapse in hysterical laughter, with the Ranger bending over him in a concerned way.

Just then there was another scream as the mob began to run back up the hill, Eowyn in the lead shrieking "Wargs! Wargs! Wargs!"

* * *

Aragorn looked up at the fair damsel's cry of distress. Aha! The time had come for some manly-man type action. He called for his horse.

"Bubbles!"

"What?" Legolas looked at him, perplexed.

"I mean, Super-steed of Death, after them! Lets go and kill and maim and…and well stuff!"

* * *

Eowyn ran up to her uncle, who ordered her to lead the women to Helm's Deep. This did not go down well with our shield-maiden, who objected to being forced to lead a bunch of wimpy women to some unglamorous fortress. But argue as she did her uncle was in one of his obstinate moods, and there was no reasoning with him when got like that. So cursing and mumbling Eowyn stormed off in a temper, as all the women hurried to follow her.

Eomer saw this and laughed, which almost proved a fatal distraction as a warg rider pounced on him from behind. It was only an arrow niftily aimed by the elf that saved him from certain dismemberment.

* * *

And our hysterical friend, Rider no.28 was spending the skirmish running around in circles, giving a running commentary on proceedings as he did so.

"Wargs are riding in from the East, and that's quite a number they've managed to muster in the far corner of the field. And they're charging now, the fat one in the lead but no! No! He's been overtaken by the ugly one who's putting in a good run, but the scrawny one's rapidly catching him up on the inside lane and oh! I've never seen anything quite like it! The small one has made a brave dash from the back of the pack and he's going, he's going and yes! He's won the charge! And the fat one doesn't look too happy about that but it's too late now and here comes the King and yes! The evil fat warg has lost his head to our Most Esteemed Highness. And here comes Rider no.76 and he's taken down the small one and ooh! That looks nasty! And I do believe he's dead. Dead! He's dead! We're all going to die! Aaargh!

A growing circle of calm began to grow around Rider no.28 and even the wargs began to back away from him slowly, their orc masters smiling and nodding as they did so.

* * *

Yet elsewhere in the melee and Aragorn is still distracted by thoughts of his horse. Never one to let an idea go easily, his last words before he tumbled off the cliff were thought to be "Bubbles, I like Bubbles…aargh!"

And his first thoughts upon hitting the water were "No! Water! It's cleaning me! Urgh! My skin's gone all pink!" before he fainted in terror.

He awoke some time later to find himself being kissed by a horse.

"Arwen! Get off me! Where's Bubbles?"

"Nice to see you too, I'm sure" replied Arwen

"Yes, well, thanks for waking me up and saving my life but, um, people are waiting for me, um, yes, bye!"

He got onto his horse that had cleverly followed him during his little sojourn down the river, and galloped away. Leaving an indignant Arwen behind, it was only when he ran into a ten thousand strong uruk-hai army a few hours later that he realised he had been riding the wrong way. He changed direction and finally made it to Helm's Deep two days later, having only had to ask for directions twice. He was feeling very proud with himself at such an accomplishment, and set out to find the King to deliver the bad news about the approaching army.

* * *

Aragorn had fallen off the cliff. Legolas couldn't quite believe that anyone could ever do anything quite so monumentally stupid as that, but somehow the man had managed it. And he was supposed to be a King of Men. Pfh! Why did he always pick the stupid ones?

As he peered over the edge he scanned the fast flowing rapids for any sign of the ranger, but alas, there were none to be seen.

"At least he'll be clean now" he muttered to himself, as he grimaced at the very thought of the dirt that usually clung to the man.

Eomer spied the elf standing at the cliff edge, staring into the water, looking grief-stricken. He supposed he really should go and say something to him. After all, the elf had just saved his life from that sneaky warg. And he too knew the pain of losing a treasured loved one, damn his stupid sister!

He approached the elf and gave him a manly slap on the back. "Sorry about your loss old chap. Drinks around the campfire at nine?"

The elf turned to look at Eomer. He looked at him for a long time before he sighed and said "Go on then. Aragorn won't be back before tomorrow anyway."

He wandered off to find his horse, leaving a slightly confused man behind him. Hadn't Aragorn just fallen off the cliff? Why wasn't the elf concerned? There was something sneaky afoot here, he was sure of it. Sighing, Eomer shook his head and decided that he wasn't clever enough to bother working out the ways of elves; especially after all the tales he had heard about _them_.

He strolled off to find his own horse, and to shout at some of his men to make himself feel superior again. In many ways Eomer could be a very simple chap.

* * *

After another few hours hard ride the men caught up with the women, who had diligently set up camp for their men folk. They were currently cooking them a three course gourmet dinner, made entirely from flour, biscuits, weevils and one dead cat they had found on route, which the men scorned as being improper fare for campfire cooking before they went to roast some warg. The women merely shrugged at the fussy ways of the men and tucked into their dinner, discussing hair care with Legolas who, not being a fan of warg had joined them.

He was just beginning on his third course, a delightful chocolate soufflé, when Eomer strode up and stared at him in horror.

"What on Middle-earth do you think you are doing? These are women! Women! And you're associating with them! Of your own free will! You're embarrassing yourself elf, what would Aragorn think?"

He dragged Legolas up and away from the group before the elf could reply, throwing dirty looks at the women behind him, who merely turned back to their conversation.

Legolas struggled against Eomer, objecting loudly to being dragging away when he had only half finished his pudding. After a well placed kick he managed to break free and he darted back to the group to retrieve said pudding, but he was thwarted in his efforts when Eomer tackled him to the ground. He just managed to grab a plate of vol-au-vents before he was seized again and taken to the campfire of manly men, where he was pressed into trying some of their mysterious magic alcohol that could appear out of thin air.

He looked at the foul concoction suspiciously and sniffed it tentatively. "I'm not drinking that, it's unnatural!"

"Go on, you'll like it. I promise."

"No I won't!"

"What are you? A woman?" digged rider no.22.

"Yeah, are all elves as poofy as you?" asked Eomer, getting in on the spirit of things.

Legolas look offended at this. "We are not poofy!"

"Prove it then", cried rider no.63. He was soon joined by the shouts and calls of his fellows. Legolas looked to Eomer for help.

"Well Legolas, what say you?"

The elf looked at the 'drink' again and sighed. Always one to give into peer pressure, Legolas braced himself and swallowed the contents of the mug in one fell swoop. Everyone held their breath and waited.

"Hmmm…it has a delightful home-grown flavour. One can almost sense the sun caressing the hops as they sway gently to and fro in the evening breeze carrying with it just the merest hint of the roses grown by the elderly neighbour in the garden next door. And the cask has given it a lovely wooden tang, almost as if one had ripped the tree from the ground and pummelled it into a barrel shape while dipping it in essence of wood. It brings one in perfect harmony with nature, one can almost see the bluebirds flitting to their nests as they fatten up their children for the harsh winter days ahead. And I just adore that hint of squirrel one finds when one rolls this bounty of the Valar around ones tongue." He paused momentarily to savour the taste and calm himself down before continuing. "Hmmm…the aftertaste is slightly too bitter, one can almost imagine it to be the result of a most valiant struggle of the hops against the tyrannous oppression of the farmer as he cleaved them from their homeland forever in his quest to satisfy the thirst of the races of Middle-earth. Though the bits from the sediment at the bottom of the mug compensate wonderfully by giving just that extra bit of texture to the beverage."

Everyone stared at him, open-mouthed. The big words had confused them.

"Got any more?" Legolas asked, hopefully.

A cheer went up from the assembled men and soon Legolas found himself presented with another ten mugs of beer. It seemed 'more beer' was a concept these men were rather more than familiar with.

* * *

A few hours later and our motley crew of manly men were lying unconscious around the remains of the fire. Only Legolas and Eomer were still upright and this by dint of much effort on their part. Eomer being the ultimate manly man and Legolas being an elf may have had something to do with this remarkable achievement too.

Regardless, both men were still coherent enough to be rambling on about something or other. Here, for the benefit of our most esteemed readers, is their conversation in full, recorded faithfully by the authors just for _you!_

Drunken ramblings of Eomer and Legolas:

"Mmm, nice beer, I like beer, Aragorn likes beer, I like Aragorn, Aragorn not here, off cliff, stupid man, should have stuck with elf, nice beer."

"Beer good, Grima not liked beer."

"Aragorn liked beer."

"Grima not liked beer. I like beer."

"Aragorn's gone!" Legolas wept, the alcohol in his system breaking down his natural elven reserve.

"Grima's gone too!" sobbed Eomer. He grabbed Legolas and they hugged each other, with much manly shoulder patting and noisome wailing. "And he didn't like beer!"

"I like beer", Legolas announced, again, as he recovered himself and reached for another drink.

"Or horses. Stupid Eowyn. Eowyn's a stupid horse!" Giggles followed this pronouncement.

"Thought Eowyn was a woman?"

"No, Eowyn a stupid horse! She stole Grima!"

"Sounds like a stupid horse to me then. Like Arwen. Arwen is a stupid horse too. Trying to steal my Ara…Aragin…my man! I showed her my handbag though!"

"Arwen can't be a horse, Eowyn's a horse. Arwen has to be a hedgehog" announced Eomer, with absolute certainty.

Legolas gave him a funny look, or he tried to. He didn't succeed. To make himself feel better he got another drink.

Something occurred to Eomer. "Whaddya mean handbag? Are you a poof? 'Cause if you are elf…" he aimed a punch at said elf, missed and fell flat on his face.

"No, no, no, no, no, no! Big bitch-fight handbag duel thing. For Aragorn. Elf thing. Stupid man wouldn't understand. Aragorn a stupid man too. Fell off cliff, very stupid thing to do. What you on the ground for?"

"Fell over."

"You're drunk! Oops!" Legolas proceeded to fall on top of Eomer who shoved him off.

"So're you."

"Am not! Elves don't drunk!"

Eomer giggled again. "You're drunk!"

"Am not!" Legolas attempted to be righteously indignant at this slur on elf-kind whilst still lying on the floor next to his tormentor. He wasn't very successful at this either.

"Am to. You're funny, you're my friend, saved my life, stabbeded warg, love you!" He gave the elf an affectionate drunk hug, or tried to, but it was difficult given their current position. "Loved Grima too! But sent away by glowing wizard man and dwarf and elf and off cliff man. And Eowyn! Bitch!"

"Horse."

"What?"

"Eowyn's a horse. Or hedgehog. No Arwen. Horse."

"She tried to steal my honey muffin. Bad sister! Jealous and, and angry and scary woman!"

"Arwen scary too. But Aragorn mine. I won him with handbag and better in bed stuff."

"Let's see."

"Can't. Handbag destroyed by hedgehog."

"Let's see other stuff then."

"No. Am Aragorn's! Fell off cliff! Bastard!"

"It's all moving! Round and round and round!"

"Pretty!"

"Grima pretty."

"Aragorn bastard."

Eomer giggled again and turned to a now unconscious elf. "Elf, elf? Huh!" He fell asleep too.

* * *

Eomer awoke to the genteel tones of his sister's screeching.

"Get up, you lazy bugger!"

He groaned a bit and tried to open his eyes, succeeding after a few attempts. He was presented with the sight of his sister's delicate foot fast approaching his head. He sat up and groaned again as the world spun around and Eowyn's foot connected with his ribs. Eomer fell back down.

"That'll teach you to spend all night drinking" were her words of wisdom for the day, before she briskly walked away to help the other women pack up.

Eomer looked around, really slowly, and caught sight of Legolas as the elf gingerly roused himself. He looked in a terrible state, for an elf anyway. And as we all know, that's still actually pretty darn good. Eomer sat silently for a few moments to still his head, and was soon joined in the world of the living by Legolas.

"How are you this fine morning?" Eomer asked, affecting what he hoped was a manly voice.

"Urgh!"

At this point in the conversation between our two hung-over friends Eowyn had started to pack away all the pots and pans, as loudly as humanly possible, right next to them, damn her, much to the protests of our…'heroes'. Eomer swore she was watching them as she did so with something akin to glee lighting up her face, and he shouted some very nasty words at her and tried to stand up whilst she laughed herself silly at their predicament.

* * *

"Urgh!" Legolas almost slid off his horse again but was saved by Gimli from suffering that ultimate embarrassment. After all, elves _don't_ fall off horses.

"You alright lad? You look ill." Gimli had been mysteriously absent the night before, for reasons best left unexplored.

Legolas recovered, albeit weakly, and turned to look at the person behind him. It took him a while to focus upon them but he managed it in the end.

"How long have you been there...how did you get on my horse...who _are_ you anyway?"

"Och. Gimli, I climbed up, three hours ago."

"But you're a dwarf."

Realisation dawned on Gimli and he eyed the elf suspiciously.

"Have you been drinking again? You always get forgetful when you drink."

Legolas appeared to ignore him and yet intoned imperiously "Elves don't get drunk."

"Och yes they do. Do you remember that time in the Mines of Moria when you thought the Balrog was Aragorn and tried to kiss him? The only thing that saved you there was Gandalf falling off that bridge. And I don't even want to think about where you were keeping all that alcohol hidden from Boromir."

"But it was Aragorn! He was all hot for me!"

"No, it was the Balrog, and he was hot for you because he was made of fire. Remember the singed ears?"

"No." Legolas shifted guiltily. "You're lying to me, it was Aragorn. And anyway, I stand by my statement, elves don't get drunk."

"Really elf? Well how about that time in Lothlorien when you went off into one at Galadriel? What was it you were saying to her? Och yes! You accused her of trying to steal Aragorn from you and then you went on to call her old and wrinkly before criticizing her dress sense. You ended by falling into her magic water spring and crying pitifully for Aragorn to save you. I've never seen him so embarrassed before."

Legolas blanched. "I didn't. Oh Elbereth, please tell me I didn't!"

"No, you didn't, you said all that to a horse" replied Gimli. "Which was fortunate for you, because if the Lady ever found out I'm sure she would take great delight in killing you. Slowly. Still, it was very funny for us."

"How dare you scare me like that? And anyway, I still don't believe you. Everyone knows dwarves are sneaky, greedy, lying short-arses."

Just then a screech of "We're here!" (Courtesy of Eowyn) caused Legolas to actually fall off his horse in surprise. Gimli let him fall, as punishment for the short-arse comment.

Gimli raised a very bushy eyebrow. "Elves don't get drunk do they lad? And I assume you have a perfectly reasonable explanation for why you fell off your horse like that. I sincerely look forward to hearing it."

"Shut up!" Legolas moaned and rolled over. He saw Eowyn's feet in front of him, moaned louder and rolled back the other way, before pulling himself upright again with the aid of Gimli.

* * *

Eowyn looked down at Legolas in disgust, and as she did so she noticed something fundamental about the charms of the elf that might just prove to be the key to Aragorn's heart.

He always looked so damned perfect.

He had been wearing the same clothes for nigh on a week now, had been riding and sleeping and fighting in them, had got drunk and rolled about the ground in them, and they were still pristine and perfect, not a crease or stain anywhere. And she was sure she hadn't seen him wash either on this trip, yet he was still clean and tidy and neat. Look at him! He had just fallen off a horse and still not a hair out of place! How did he do it?

As he struggled to his feet she looked down at her tatty, torn, muddy dress. How could she possibly compete with the elf in this? She looked at him again as he flicked his hair back, straightened a sleeve and once more became the living embodiment of perfection. She scowled and turned to her basket.

She began to heave all the pots and pans out as she looked for a certain dress, a very special dress that she had brought along 'just in case'. Well if ever she needed it, now was the time. As the last pot went flying she heard an "ow" from behind her and a thud as the elf hit the ground again. She grabbed her dress and smoothed it out. There! She would look absolutely ravishing in this!

Feeling slightly better she threw her rival a dirty look and flounced off to get ready for Aragorn's return. She had thought about what she would do if it turned out that Aragorn was actually dead, and had come to the conclusion that the man still had to be alive simply because no-one would dare die on her if she hadn't given them permission to. Wasn't that why her uncle had lived so long?

* * *

Aragorn strode through the crowds that filled up the Deep, looking more than smug. He had just arrived from his cross country ride and had dire news that he desperately needed to give Theoden. Namely, that ten thousand orcs were marching on Helm's Deep with all possible speed, and that maybe it wasn't a good idea for everyone to be crammed into the fortress after all. There was nowhere to run away to when they lost the battle and he was certain that they would lose. No-one could defeat an army that huge, not even a big, tough, brilliant leader like himself. They were all going to die, he just knew it.

He was roused from these pessimistic thoughts when someone passionately kissed him. He pulled away in confusion and found Legolas before him.

"Welcome back Aragorn! I hoped you weren't dead. Though I thought the river would have cleaned you off a bit, you look terrible!" The elf cast a critical eye over him.

"I'm glad to see you too hunny-bun, but where is the King? I must tell him something?"

"Tell him later. I want to welcome you back properly before other things claim your attention." Legolas began to pull Aragorn behind some conveniently placed barrels.

"Not now, I must find the King." He dragged himself away from the elf and gave him a peck on the cheek. "I'll see you later." He strode off into the crowds again leaving a very miffed elf behind him.

Legolas watched him go in mild disbelief. Had he just been rejected by a man? A _man_? How humiliating! Well if Aragorn wasn't going to take it when it was offered then he wasn't going to get it at all. Still peeved, the elf set out to find his dwarven friend to complain to about humans in general.

* * *

Eowyn had finished plotting her evil schemes and was just in time to see Aragorn arrive. Ha! She had known he wasn't dead! She decided to follow the current object of her affection in the hope that she would be able to jump him when no-one was looking. But alas! It was not to be! For as they wound their way through the crowds she saw him bump into that insufferable elf, who proceeded to kiss Aragorn a bit too passionately for the Lady's liking.

She glared at the scene and decided that the situation was truly getting desperate. Yes, it was time to try her dress. The super-duper-bound-to-seduce-anyone dress. She smirked as she watched Aragorn walk away from Legolas. She'd show that elf the meaning of perfection!

* * *

Hours later and Legolas and Gimli were still complaining about humans. In this case they were in the armoury watching Theoden's 'troops' prepare for battle, generally lamenting over the uselessness of the men they would be fighting along side this most terrible night.

Aragorn walked in looking most pleased. He had managed to really annoy Theoden and had gotten over his earlier pessimistic mood. He was looking forward to a good bout of orc-slaughter that evening and he now hoped to spend the hours before battle receiving Legolas' 'welcome back' present. He looked around for the elf and spotted him on the other side of the room in conversation with Gimli. He made his way over, stopping here and there to lecture some of the kids on how to hold a sword properly.

"Hey hunny-bun" he greeted, slipping into Sindarin. He knew Legolas hated it when others overheard Aragorn being romantic to him. Elves didn't do romantic, at least not in public.

"Don't you hunny-bun me!" snapped Legolas. Aragorn sighed and tried to think of what he had done wrong now.

"Where have you been? With the King? What took you so long? As if I need to guess!"

A-ha! There it was. Legolas was jealous (but he'd never admit it off course. Elves don't do jealous). Aragorn now tried to think of the best way to calm him down before something violent happened. He was getting a bit disconcerted though by the sympathetic looks Gimli kept throwing his way. He couldn't be in that much trouble could he?

"Legolas, you've got it all wrong. I went to tell him about the huge army marching upon us as we speak."

"Of course you did."

Uh-oh. Legolas was using sarcasm now and had crossed his arms and turned away in a huff.

"Come on hunny-bun, you know you're the only one I want", he said soothingly.

"Didn't want me earlier."

"I had to see the King!"

"You should have wanted to see me! You've just come back from the dead and being your usual selfish self you didn't stop to think how I might feel about that. You ran off and abandoned me!"

"I didn't run off…"

"Oh yes you did!"

"I fell off a cliff and nearly died! If it wasn't for Arwen waking me up I wouldn't be here now. What about that then? Shouldn't you be more concerned about me? And you call me selfish!" Aragorn was getting angry now.

"Arwen?" Legolas looked at him.

"Yes, Arwen." Aragorn glared back.

"Arwen" Legolas calmly stated again.

Aragorn began to realize what he'd just said, and that Legolas was looking at him expectantly, and that the elf was taking the news about Arwen surprisingly calmly. Sensing the imminent danger he forgot his anger and begun to look for ways out of the room. There weren't nearly enough.

"Arwen woke me up. She kissed me and I thought it was Bubbles and oh crap!"

"Arwen _kissed_ you?"

"Yes…" he offered hesitantly.

"You two-timing bastard! You're still seeing Arwen! You're still in love with that hedgehog! You swore to me it was over!"

"It is, Legolas, I'm not, I swear! And what do you mean hedgehog?"

"Don't you lie to me!"

"I'm not, I love you!"

"Love me enough to abandon me and go running off to the King when you return."

"Legolas we've been through this. I didn't abandon you, I'll never abandon you."

"I hate you! I hate you and I wish you die a slow and painful death at the Battle tonight! Serve you right that will!"

"Legolas!" Aragorn reeled in shock. That had hurt!

"Or maybe I might kill you myself, you bastard! And you can join all your fellow men in death, thanks to this hopeless situation you've dragged us into!"

"Then I shall proudly die as one of them!"

"Och Aragorn, we all understood that."

"I don't care!" Aragorn stormed off, annoyed and upset with Legolas, who made to go after him.

"Let him go lad. Apologize to him later."

Legolas looked at Gimli. Why on earth should _he_ apologize? He had done nothing wrong. Except threaten to kill Aragorn. Now that he thought about it, maybe that had been a little extreme.

* * *

Legolas wandered outside for a bit of a think. He sat on the battlements whilst he decided what to do about Aragorn, and idly noted that it would rain later. He knew he had been a bit harsh on the man earlier but he didn't half wind him up sometimes. Stupid humans, always so emotional, so unlike elves!

After a time spent brooding on the shortcomings of his man, Legolas decided that he had better follow Gimli's advice and go and apologize to him. There were several factors that affected his final decision in this, Gimli being the chief one.

Legolas had thought very carefully about what would happen if Aragorn 'somehow' became unavailable to him, and as much as he liked Gimli he didn't think he could ever bring himself to shag him. So to avoid being driven mad by all those desperate urges that seemed to affect his people most he knew he had to reconcile himself with the ranger.

Legolas was also loath to give the man up after he had fought so hard to win him in the first place. Arwen could be a formidable opponent when riled and he had sacrificed his most precious handbag in their duel for Aragorn. He was damned if he would let that sacrifice be in vain by letting the man go now.

And he did rather like Aragorn too. Quite a lot. And that had nothing to do with the fact that the man was admittedly very good in bed, though that was an added bonus.

So there was nothing for it. He would have to find Aragorn and just hope he could make himself sound sincere.

* * *

Legolas hunted high and low for Aragorn and eventually found him preparing for battle in a lonely corner near the armoury. He approached him to apologize, looking suitably repentant and got out the tried and tested, and oft successful, piece of paper he had prepared many years ago for situations just like this. It was grandly entitled 'The Apology'.

Aragorn turned to him and waited. This would be fun; it wasn't every day you got an elf apologizing for anything.

"Ahem-hem. Sorry I called you a bastard earlier. I don't want to kill you and I don't want you to die either. I'm sorry I doubted your love for me; you have proved it well on many an occasion Haldi-…Aragorn" the elf recited. He smiled brilliantly in an effort to cover up that little slip. "And I hope you accept my apology because I really am truly sorry." He folded the paper up again and put it away before looking coyly at Aragorn.

Who looked back. He had listened politely to Legolas, had nodded in all the right places and was now letting the elf stew a bit in the pregnant silence surrounding them.

Legolas shifted a bit, looking uncertain. "So do you wanna…?" he asked, blatantly staring at Aragorn's you-know-what.

"I don't know Legolas. I mean, you really hurt my feelings earlier. You're going to have to do something really special to make it up to me."

"How about…" he leaned in, to whisper his suggestion.

"I think that'll do" he managed to squeak out, as the elf fell to his knees before him and proceeded to do something that we shall not share here for fear of killing those readers with delicate dispositions.

Perhaps fortunately for us then Gimli soon arrived, complaining about his chain mail. Legolas hurriedly got to his feet and neatened himself up a bit, whilst Aragorn recovered from the elf's 'ministrations' enough to glare at the dwarf.

"Och, hurry up, or you'll miss the Battle!"

* * *

And it was just as the Big Scary Battle was beginning that Eowyn made her Grand Entrance, only to find that everyone was running haphazardly towards the battlements whilst completely ignoring her. She huffed impatiently. Bloody men! They wouldn't know a new dress if it came up and killed them! Feeling decidedly unamused, Eowyn stomped off to find her intended target whilst thinking of all sorts of evil things to do to Aragorn if he failed to notice how pretty she looked. Just then, courtesy of all those Gods with rather wicked senses of humour, it started to rain. Eowyn screamed.

"My hair! My hair!"

Our dear friend, Rider no.28, jumped at the noise and accidentally let loose an arrow into the thronging mass of uruk-hai waiting below. Oops! We don't think he wanted to do that!

Feeling utterly wretched Eowyn gave up and trudged back to the caves the other women were hiding in, to face a rather pessimistic few hours re-doing all her hard work. Bloody weather! Bloody men!

* * *

The Battle started with Theoden being a crappy leader in a time of crisis. Only a prime idiot goes around saying things like "Is that all you can conjure Saruman?" and "Pah! This is an easy battle" and "Can it get any worse?" What our slightly dippy King seemed to be forgetting when he was saying all these silly things was this: in the middle of a big old battle when you are outnumbered 300 to 10,000, it can _always_ get worse. It can start raining for example. Or your main defensive wall can blow up.

And what sort of command is "Draw your swords"? If you haven't already done that when the orcs are climbing over the wall then there is no point in doing so now, is there really. And another thing, what sort of King goes and gets all his best warriors killed at the beginning of the battle? Stupid man, he was going to regret that later.

AT THIS POINT IN THE NARRATIVE THE AUTHORS WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT THEY ARE IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY DAMAGE SUSTAINED BY THEODEN KING IN THIS PIECE OF WRITING. ALL DAMAGE IS A DIRECT RESULT OF HIS UTTER STUPIDITY AND TO BE FRANK HE HAD IT COMING TO HIM

* * *

Theoden was not the only person who had a hard time during the Battle. Our friend, Rider no.28, had gotten himself in a bit of a predicament. He had only gone and got his arm lopped off by some random orc. He spent half the fight running around in a circle like a headless chicken, waving his good arm in the air as such circumstances of mindless panic warrant. He was also shouting a lot, his favourite phrase being "my arm, my arm! Arraagh! Insert high pitched girly scream here." Now such inhuman sounds coming from what appeared to be a big butch man was bound to attract attention. The poor lad was just lucky that Eomer spotted him first.

"Excuse me a moment." Eomer walked up to lad, waited until he ran back around to him and then punched him very hard on the nose, before returning to the uruk-hai he had just been fighting. "Sorry about that. Now where were we?"

* * *

Legolas was perhaps the only person present at the Battle who was able to get anything positive out of the situation, though it is doubtful if anyone else would agree that what he achieved was actually a good thing.

You see, Legolas was using the Battle to stake his claim on Aragorn in small but obvious ways. This was done in an effort to deter those who had been trying to use the chaos of fighting as an excuse for grabbing a quick grope of himself or _his_ man. It seemed his drunken escapades the night before had given people certain 'Ideas', though what he had done to achieve this he couldn't quite remember. Legolas still hadn't gotten over his jealousy from earlier either, not that elves get jealous mind. Anyway, examples of such claim staking include this one just before the Battle began:

When everyone was standing around in the rain Legolas turned to Aragorn. "Want to huddle and keep warm?"

"Legolas, I'm busy rousing the fighting spirits of my men with memorable and scary speeches. We'll huddle later."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"Och, I'll huddle wi' ya."

"I don't think so Gimli."

Another such moment occurred when the Deeping Wall blew up after Legolas had somehow managed to miss shooting that blasted uruk-hai. Our cunning elf, making the best of a bad situation, made sure he landed on top of Aragorn, who took the opportunity to seize a quick grab of _his_ elf's very nice bottom (only he was allowed to take such liberties, and then only when he had been good). And oh how the other men wished they were Aragorn then. To have a beautiful elf land on you after being flung from a ferocious explosion, ah heaven!

And perhaps the other moment of note was after Aragorn and Gimli had been fighting off the massed legions of Isengard whilst Theoden shored up the gate. Legolas chucked them a rope and hauled them both up to the ramparts where he heaved Aragorn over the edge before running off to kill more orcs.

"Little help here! I'm slipping…Legolas?"

* * *

The time had come to get everyone back to the Keep. The orcs were just too much and the men were looking mutinous about having to fight any longer in the rain. Theoden gave the order and it was at this moment that Eomer found himself wishing his sister were here with him.

That way, he could throw her to the orcs and that would allow him the opportunity to run away in one direction whilst they ran away in another. Eomer could be a very sensible man sometimes and he had no illusions about Eowyn's fighting prowess. And she always had her Looks if she found herself overpowered in a sword fight. But alas! It looked like he was condemned to go it alone and as such he tried to fight his way through the masses.

* * *

And the end of the Battle, mustn't forget that now. So let's see…the end of the Battle began with Aragorn and all the other survivors trapped in the Keep. Good one Theoden!

Our valiant hero was in the midst of an argument with Theoden, who was dithering again. No surprise there! Aragorn was getting very irked at the old man and was about to throw his hands up in despair and throw the useless old sod to the orcs when he noticed the sunrise shining through the window. He paused mid-rant. Sunrise, sunrise, he knew that was important for some reason but he was buggered if he could remember what. Oh well, there were more important matters at hands.

Aragorn turned to the King. "Sod this for a game of soldiers, I'm riding out there, might stand more of a chance then. You can sit here and die you old fraidy-pants."

"No no!" Theoden replied, looking panicky. "I think I may join you now. Yes, for Rohan and all that." He seemed to find comfort in his orders and carried on enthusiastically. "Eorlingas! Time for the last stand! Get your arses in gear and go grab those horses that weren't in here a minute ago. There's good chaps."

Eventually our noble warriors rode out with our noble Kings and our noble elf and our hairy dwarf and began to kill lots and lots of uruk-hai.

After a while Gandalf decided to turn up, an hour late, bringing with him Erkenbrand and lots of extra manly men on horses. They mounted a spectacular charge and chased the enemy away, slaughter, slaughter, slaughter, run orcs! Ruuuuunnnnnn!

All the men then came together and jeered their enemies and cheered their victory. Aragorn claimed a celebratory kiss from Legolas. He then went over to the wizard and complained about how late he was and how dare he leave him in charge of such a big battle with a decrepit old fool like Theoden to contend with. When _he _was King he wouldn't be able to get away with stuff like that. Gandalf listened, waved his staff threateningly at Aragorn and 'accidentally' whacked his shins with it.

The women were released from the caves and ran to find their men folk. Alas, for many this was to be a very sad morning. Eowyn ran up to Aragorn and so glad to see him alive was she that she wouldn't leave him alone. She even forgot about her precious dress. Legolas watched her warily. He didn't trust that woman with _his_ man; he was going to have to watch her very carefully…

* * *

Eowyn invited Aragorn for a nice walk in the forest that had randomly appeared outside Helm's Deep. She needed to be alone with him to give him time to succumb to the power of her dress, the one she had borrowed from somebody which made her look frumpy, but which no-one had had the heart to tell her made her look frumpy, or how else was she to get in those Oh So Rugged leggings? No, the forest was the perfect place. And she knew that Aragorn, a true ranger, would agree to go along.

And he did, he felt it would be nice to take some time out from orc-slaying to re-connect with nature. Unbeknownst to Eowyn though, he was mostly desperate to get as far away as possible from that nagging wizard (pft, being re-born was NOT that impressive!) and his friend the king. Aragorn didn't get on very well with Theoden. Not only was the man stupid, but he whined a lot. Aragorn had promised himself that when he became King no-one was ever going to catch him whinging. It was so undignified.

Anyway, he was on a nice walk with a nice young lady, thoroughly enjoying himself showing her all the living things of the wood. Like…the trees and...shrubs and suchlike.

Neither of them noticed the shadow trailing them in the trees…

After half an hour's pleasant stroll Eowyn deemed it time to drop the formalities that were standing between her and Aragorn. Thus it was that the ranger soon found himself half dragging the Lady along as she clung to his arm. Aragorn jumped slightly as he felt something move across his backside. He assumed it to be the breeze when he saw the innocent look on Eowyn's face. Yes…the wind.

They meandered along a little longer, wrapped in a comfortable silence. This was soon interrupted, however, by a small squeak that appeared to emit from the Lady herself. Something had just hit Eowyn on the head and whilst it hadn't particularly hurt, finding oneself pelted with soft fruits can still come as a bit of a shock. She looked up at the trees, glowered a bit and hurried on to catch up with Aragorn, who had taken the opportunity to free his arm from Eowyn's deadly grip, shaking it to let the blood flow freely once more.

However, such freedom was not his to enjoy. When Eowyn caught up with him she took hold of his arm again and commented on the lovely daisies that littered the forest floor. As Aragorn bent down to admire the small clean flowers three acorns smacked Eowyn on the back of the head, one after the other.

She rubbed her head and hearing a rustling coming from above, turned to look suspiciously at the branches. The shadows above her seemed to glower back. She looked long and hard and finally turned back to Aragorn. They commenced their walk but a sense of unease began to creep over her, malevolence seemed to be extending itself from the very trees. She pressed herself to Aragorn (well, why not) and whispered in his ear.

"This forest doesn't like me. Can we go back now?"

As if to prove her point an apple came winging its way out of the sky and bounced off of her noggin. She cried out in pain and grabbed Aragorn.

"See! See! And there aren't even any apple trees around here!" She was beginning to get panicky; she could feel the trees closing in, they were all around her, darkness and shadows creeping closer…

A squirrel came barrelling down just then and boinged off of Eowyn's forehead. The small creature scurried away as Eowyn stood still in stunned silence. Then, in a very unbecoming manner, she screamed, grabbed her head and screamed again as she went running off through the forest as fast as she could.

* * *

Aragorn watched her go with mild amusement. When she was out of sight he turned to look up at the branches, a mildly exasperated expression gracing his features, hands on his hips and toes tapping.

Legolas dropped gracefully down and walked up to Aragorn, who just looked at him. Sometimes he really wished he had some of the patience his foster father possessed. Like now for example. He had no idea how Elrond hadn't cracked years ago, having to deal with this sort of thing all the time from his own unruly offspring.

Instead of pondering such unanswerable questions now though, he glared at Legolas.

"What are you doing?"

"Bonding with the trees..." Legolas looked shifty. Elves never were good liars.

"Oh really, and I don't suppose that was you throwing things down at the Lady whilst you were busy 'bonding' was it?"

"Me!" Legolas got all indignant at the accusation. "I'm an elf I'll have you know! I do not need to stoop to such levels to amuse myself. I'm THOUSANDS of years old, such frivolity is below me. I can think of far better things to do anyway than throw squirrels down at poncy women."

Aragorn sighed. There was no point arguing with an indignant elf, but he was going to try anyway. "Oh yeah, like what?"

"Like this…" the elf grabbed Aragorn and pulled him close.

* * *

In another part of the forest Eowyn was running very, very quickly. She had stopped screaming now (thank goodness) and was gradually beginning to slow down as her restrictive dress, coupled with years of pampered living began to show. After another minute or so she decided it safe to stop. When no small furry mammals of questionable evolutionary origin tried to say hello to her forehead, she flumped down on the ground, panting.

She began to berate herself for what a prat she had been. Had anyone passed by at this moment they would have heard her saying to herself "Tsk, I ask you! Running away like a little girl, is that any way for a shield maiden of Rohan to behave? I think not young lady. This is no way to impress a rugged ranger. Now what are you going to do to redeem yourself from this pit of shame you have fallen into? Hmm?"

Eowyn looked about for inspiration and her gaze fell upon a small, fresh little flower, just like the ones Aragorn had been admiring earlier. A candle appeared above her head (this being Middle Earth, one of the last places in the unknown universe still resisting the relentless onward march of electricity. But we digress) and she got up to skip away and put her plan into action. La-de-dah! She was certain Aragorn would just love the daisy chain she was going to make him.

* * *

Elsewhere the object of her affection and his little love bunny were busy going at it like…well bunnies. After all, it had been rather a long time since their last 'encounter', before the Battle at least, and they had lots of making up to do and pent-up affection to burn-off.

But oh! Woe it be for all those poor little daisies, squished in the name of mutual lust.

* * *

Eowyn finished her daisy chain and looked at it proudly. It was lovely, a perfect example of craftsmanship. The average seven year old couldn't have done better. There was none of those weird pink daisies in it, and not a single manky half-dead flower was to be found. The stalks were all of uniform length and the chain itself was exactly 46.5 cm long. Yes, perfect it was. So carefully clutching her ticket into Aragorn's affections she began to hop-skippity back to the camp.

* * *

Aragorn turned around to see Eowyn coming towards him. He had returned to the Deep a little while ago and was busy chatting to Eomer. But he couldn't miss Eowyn. What was she wearing? And was she…yes she was…he couldn't believe his eyes…Eowyn was skipping towards him! But that was nothing to the little present that she bounded up and bestowed on him.

As she simpered away like a silly female (Aragorn shared a lot of his worldly perceptions with Eomer) he tried very hard to graciously receive said present. He let her put it around his neck and everything. As she skipped away he turned and stared daggers at the men, snickering away just out of sword-range.

In an effort to retain some of his dignity he walked briskly away but was soon stopped short when he bumped into Legolas, who was meandering back to the camp. Legolas had arrived back later than Aragorn because he had wanted to 'bond with the trees' on the way home. Really this time. Luckily for Aragorn this had put him into a good mood. Still, he had to cringe as the elf's eyes fixed firmly on the ornament around his neck. He was in trouble now; there was no way he was going to get out of this unscathed.

"What is that?"

He winced at the tone of the elf's voice.

"It's a daisy chain."

"I know it's a daisy chain Aragorn. Who gave it to you?"

"What makes you think anybody gave it to me? Who's to say I didn't make it myself on my way back through the forest?" This was a valiant display of defiance on the Man's part, but up against a miffed elf such sentiments didn't stand a chance.

Legolas just looked at him. "Aragorn, you couldn't make a daisy chain if your life depended upon it. Now who gave it to you?"

Aragorn looked at his feet. That last comment had really hurt. He wasn't that inept and he liked to consider himself quite in touch with his feminine side. And it was probably that sensible, feminine part of his brain that now urged him to tell the truth. After all, it reasoned, it couldn't be that bad. And if he lied he just knew he'd get caught out sooner or later.

"'Wyn" he mumbled.

"Who? I can't hear you."

"Eowyn"

SLAP! "You, you bastard!" Legolas stormed off to sulk somewhere. Not that elves sulk…oh no!

Aragorn held his stinging cheek and watched him go. What on earth had happened there? He had told the truth, he should be getting rewarded for being honest. He didn't understand what was wrong! He thought Legolas had gotten over the jealousy! Elves! They were worse than WOMEN! But he did understand that the men were laughing at him again. They were laughing so hard they had collapsed against each other, supporting one another in the midst of all this hilarity. Aragorn briefly considered throwing real daggers at them before he too stormed off to sulk…not that Rugged Rangers sulk either…

* * *

Eomer meanwhile had been watching the proceedings unfold with mild horror. Eowyn was definitely coming between Aragorn and Legolas and he just could not allow that to happen. To do so would result in Eowyn being happy, something he was currently fighting tooth and nail against. That cow! After what she had done to him she didn't deserve happiness! And now she was trying to break up another couple for personal gain! That little…grrr!

It took a while for Eomer to calm himself down, but once he had managed it he hit upon a brilliant solution to the present conundrum. He was proud, it was one that would get our little love bunnies back into each others favour and one that would undermine his sisters standing with the ranger at the same time. It would also help him go some way to paying off that debt he owed the elf for saving his life. By the Valar, he was a genius sometimes.

He set off to find Legolas and explain 'The Plan'. The elf took a bit of persuading at first, what with his "why would I want to win back Aragorn, the bastard", followed by "that sounds like a stupid plan Eomer", and followed in turn by "well, if you're sure it will work…"

"I am, come on!" He dragged Legolas out into the forest.

Eowyn watched them go and wandered what her stupid brother was up to now. She decided she didn't care though when she caught sight of that oh so handsome ranger.

* * *

In the morning all was revealed. Looking tired yet smug Legolas pranced up to Aragorn with the daisy garland-wreath-thing (with matching daisy-bracelets) he and Eomer had spent the night working upon. He presented the monstrosity to Aragorn with a kiss and an "I'm very sorry I was such a moody dingbat yesterday, can you forgive me?"

Eomer watched his sister go green with jealousy. He watched the men as they rolled on the ground laughing themselves silly. He watched as Aragorn decided that Legolas certainly deserved his forgiveness after going to such trouble to make amends. He then watched as the man dragged the elf off behind a convenient pile of rubble to bestow his forgiveness.

The men stopped laughing then. That wasn't funny. They had all been hoping to put the moves on one or other now that they weren't talking anymore. But alas it was not to be. Filled with sorrow at such an unfortunate turn of events they all trooped off to find someone else to take the piss out of.

Eowyn meanwhile had swiftly gone from green to red and was seething in anger as Eomer sauntered past to join his men, smiling sweetly at her.

Elsewhere Legolas was also smiling sweetly at having managed to return Aragorn's attention back to its proper place.

* * *

Eowyn had been thinking over the whole daisy chain fiasco of that morning. She had been royally embarrassed in front of Aragorn by her stupid brother and now she needed to do something quickly to not so much win the man, as stop him drifting off from her clutches any further. She figured that a nice dinner cooked over an open campfire should do the trick. It was only midday; she had plenty of time to knock up something special. And how hard could it be? The other women managed gourmet dinners and they were simple uneducated peasants!

So off she went to the edge of the forest to collect firewood and kindling. She then spent half an hour scrabbling around on the ground of the Deep to find a decent bit of flint. Having done that she bent to her task. After all, she reasoned, how hard could it be? Her brother managed to build campfires all the time and he was stupid!

She began to stack the twigs just so, as she had seen done many a time on the journey here. After fiddling around for a bit she remembered the kindling and tried to squeeze it between the tightly packed sticks, which promptly fell down. This happened three times before she lost her temper and decided that wood was wood and would surely burn no matter what stupid arrangement it was put into.

So having thrown everything into an artistic heap in a strop, Eowyn took up her pieces of flint and tried to strike a spark, tried being the operative word here.b

* * *

Early evening dawned, so to speak, and Legolas and Aragorn returned. Aragorn went off to receive an ear-bashing from the wizard and Legolas wandered off to find Eomer. And find him he did, watching his sister with a very amused smirk on his face. He looked to see what was so funny. After several minutes of failing to figure it out for himself he asked Eomer.

"What is she doing?"

"Making a fire, she has been at it all afternoon."

"What for?"

"She wants to make a special dinner for Aragorn."

"Hmm…she's not having much luck."

"I know, funny isn't it? Here, help me collect some sticks."

"Eomer, why do you need sticks?" Legolas eyed him warily.

"I need to out-do Eowyn again. If she ever gets her poncy little fire lit everyone will flock around her telling her what a clever girl she is."

"So?"

"So, if that happens then Eowyn will be happy. And I can't allow that horse to be happy ever, ever again. I've already explained this to you Legolas. Anyway, what do you think I need sticks for?"

"No you haven't. And anyway I've made my point to the Lady. I no longer need or want anything more to do with this fiendish plan of yours to ruin your sister's life. It just isn't cricket Eomer."

"Pick. Up. The. Sticks."

"'kay."

Eomer and Legolas scurried back and forth to the forest until they had succeeded in building quite a good mini-bonfire a little way behind Eowyn. It even had an effigy, but this being Eowyn they were trying to insult here they hadn't made it too big in case she noticed it.

Soon it was ablaze and man and somewhat reluctant elf were dancing around it singing a beautiful sounding Elvish song that Eomer had made Legolas teach him. It was a good job that nobody around them understood what they were saying, and it was equally fortunate that Eowyn was too engrossed in her own efforts to be paying them any mind. For though she may not have understood the words it was a sure bet that she would have caught the gist of the song anyway. And singing 'Ding Dong the Witch is Dead' while prancing around in a silly manner was surely a decapitation offence. If they were really unlucky she may even have Looked at them. Oh the horror!

Thankfully though all the attention that the bonfire was attracting was from some of the men, who were approaching it a slow and non-threatening way to enquire about what was going on.

"We are celebrating our noble victory over Saruman in an interesting, novel, rustic way" their Captain called to them.

Celebration. Now that was a word to catch the interest of such a crew of manly men as these, and pretty soon they had a right old knees-up going. Though where they kept getting the alcohol from is definitely best left for another story.

* * *

Meanwhile, all on her lonesome a little way away, crouching down in the dark was Eowyn of Rohan. She was really beginning to get fed-up with this whole fire-making thing. It was getting boring now and she couldn't concentrate anyway with all that noise going on behind her. She was about to jack the whole thing in when lo! What is this? She had created a tiny spark, which soon turned to a tiny flame that caught in the kindling she was holding in her hand.

Feeling utterly overwhelmed with a sense of achievement she twisted around to call everyone over to see what she had done. But the sight that greeted her crushed any feeling of self-worth she may have been experiencing at that moment. As Eowyn stared at the mini-bonfire before her only one thought flitted through her mind. "What the f...?"

She turned back to her own pitiful efforts and jumped when she saw her damned brother standing over her. She watched him as he bent down, looked her in the eye and very deliberately blew out the teeny fire still glowing amongst the kindling. Flabbergasted at the audacity of it all she then stared at him as he straightened up with a smug look and walked off to join Legolas again, who had draped himself over Aragorn who was watching the men celebrate in mild confusion.

Still in a state of utter disbelief Eowyn looked from the mini-bonfire to where her own meagre fire had been before she burst into tears.

* * *

Several days had passed and it had been decided that everyone should leave Helm's Deep and make for Edoras. The women and children were to be led back to the city by Eowyn, who was now only too glad to get away from Aragorn and that insufferable Elf, not to mention getting away from her stupid brother.

This last week they had made her life a living hell. She had been humiliated and embarrassed on numerous occasions and Aragorn clearly thought of her as nothing more than a silly simpering pampered princess. Well that had all been the fault of her brother. No matter how hard she tried to make a success of her courtships he was always there getting the way. Bastard.

Why oh why was everyone picking on her! It wasn't fair, she didn't deserve such treatment! Well okay, deep down she would admit that she did actually deserve all she was getting and more. But damn it, it still wasn't fair! Curse them! Curse them all!

So that was why Eowyn was going back to Edoras with the women and children.

* * *

Meanwhile said bastard was riding off to Isengard with Aragorn, Legolas, Theoden, Gandalf, and his motley crew of manly men. Oh yes, and Gimli was there too. It had been decided that they would take a whopping huge detour on the way back home in order to be able to have a good old laugh at Saruman's expense.

So off they rode, reaching their destination after a day or two. At the gates they were met by two short-arses whom Legolas and Aragorn seemed very pleased to see. "Oh!" thought Eomer. "They must be the two Halflings I was supposed to have killed. What a relief to see them live and well."

Said short-ar…Halflings led the company to a big old talking tree that seemed to be in charge of the place now, Tree-moustache or something. Eomer wasn't really paying attention to him. Instead he found himself watching the Elf, who had jumped off his horse, run up to the tree and was now wrapped around it in an excessively friendly manner, squealing happily "ooh an Ent! I've always wanted to meet one. I love you, you tree-shepherd you!" Or something to that effect anyway. Strangely enough the tree seemed quite unperturbed by this, as did everyone else in the group. The way they were carrying on you'd think elves went off hugging the trees all the time! Pah! Trust him to befriend the mad one.

He was jolted out of his thoughts as Aragorn smacked him on the head. "Eomer! Are you coming or what?"

"Eh?" He followed everyone else who seemed to be following the tree-man, an Ant had Legolas called it? Didn't look much like an ant to Eomer. Foreigners, he'd never understand them.

Soon enough they found themselves at the foot of Orthanc. Tree-sideburns prised Legolas off and bid adieu to the company.

"Saruman you evil old goat! Where are you?" Gandalf called up to balcony above them.

Said evil old goat appeared and there followed a long and rather boring argument between the two wizened wizards.

Eomer wasn't really listening to this conversation either. He found himself focusing upon the other figure emerging onto the balcony.

"Crap!" thought Eomer, "Grima." He began to get nervous and shifty as he saw Grima scan the small crowd. "Please don't notice me, please don't notice me" he whispered.

Legolas noticed him however and seemed quite puzzled at the horse lord's discomfort.

"Are you alright Eomer?" he asked, concerned.

"I'm fine, I'm fine" he replied. "I just don't like the way that snake is staring down at me."

Legolas looked up at the figure who was now squinting down at them. All of a sudden it called out "Eomer! Eomer! You've come for me! I just knew you would!"

"Who are you? I've never seen you before in my life."

"It is me, Grima."

"Oh you…you filthy snake."

"Eomer, why are you being so nasty? I thought you loved me?" Grima sniffled slightly.

"Me? Love you? Hahaha!" Eomer looked shifty and he was beginning to feel not a little guilty at the hurt look on Grima's face. But what could he do? Here he was surrounded by the paragons of good, he couldn't well go and admit to loving one of their greatest enemies now, could he? He wasn't that stupid, despite the rumours that annoying sister of his had been spreading about him.

"But Eomer, what about that last night together when you came to my chamber and…"

"I do not know what you are talking about", Eomer cut him off quickly. "You are clearly delusional." He turned to Legolas, shook his head sadly and whispered again "Clearly delusional."

The elf looked at him with sympathy and turned to face Grima.

"You leave him alone you!" he called up. "He doesn't want you pestering him with all your sick sexual fantasies. Go on, shoo now."

Grima did just that, running inside crying. He was swiftly followed by a much narked Saruman.

Aragorn came and grabbed Legolas. "How about me pestering you with all my sick sexual fantasies" he suggested.

Eomer turned and looked at them. Legolas, oblivious to his friends scathing gaze, dragged Aragorn off to find some convenient (and dry) ruins.

Eomer watched them go and shook his head. Those two were insatiable! He soon found himself distracted though when Grima reappeared on the balcony and began hurling things down at his head as hard as he could, whilst keeping up a running commentary of all the nasty names he could think of. It was the turn of the others in the group to shake their heads now. They sighed in exasperation and sat back to enjoy the floor show.

"Hey stop that! Ow! Grima! What are you doing? Ouch! That one had sharp corners! Grima! Look I'm sorry! Ooh bugger!" This last comment had been caused by something round, shiny and very very hard bouncing off of his head. Eomer fell over and one of those little guys went running after the pretty ball that was boinging down the steps.

Gandalf came and took it from him. It must have been important because a moment later there was a loud yell from the tower followed by a series of yelps. Eomer tried to smile around his headache as he thought of Grima being kicked on the bum by a very, very narked wizard. Heehee! Ow!

Now all the entertainment appeared to be done everyone decided to go and get some lunch, the Halflings leading the way.

* * *

Grima meanwhile had managed to outrun his master and was brooding in a shadowy room in the tower where he was sure he wouldn't be found. He could not quite believe that Eomer had denied him so. How nasty could one person get? Well, he would show Eomer. He would cast a spell upon him that would be sure to make the man rue the day he had ever been so mean to him! Humph!

So it was that Grima Wormtongue set about playing with magic he didn't understand, let alone know how to use. However, he had seen Saruman cast the same spell on several occasions and he was 89 percentconfident of success. What's so hard about waving your hands in a mystical manner and saying some silly words? "Oh yes" he thought to himself "this will be good."

* * *

Elsewhere Legolas and Aragorn were getting their daily dose of exercise out of the way. They had found themselves a nice comfy ruin and were just getting down to business when a strange 'TINKLE, TINKLE, TINKLE' could be heard.

"Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"It sounded like a little bell or something."

"You're imagining things Legolas. Now do you think you could possibly…?"

"I am not imagining things! I distinctly heard a little tinkle!"

"Look, there are no bells or anything like that around here. What do you suppose made your 'little noise' then? Hmm? Now, if you could just…"

"It's no good Aragorn. I'm going to have to go find out what that noise was or I'm sure I will go quite mad with wondering." Legolas stood and began to look for his clothes.

"But, but Legolas!" Aragorn cried pathetically.

Legolas looked down at the man and sighed. "Oh alright then. But be quick. I'm really intrigued about that sound…"

* * *

Grima was busy looking out the window. He was trying to find Eomer. He wanted to see if his spell had worked and whether the horse lord was all…well, we don't need to tell you that. It would just upset those dear readers with delicate stomachs.

But as he searched what should he see? Lo! It was Legolas and Aragorn emerging from their hidey-hole to go ask the others if they knew anything about little tinkles. He watched the figures amble along for a bit when one of them turned to look up at him. And as Grima locked gazes with Aragorn he realised his spell had gone utterly, utterly wrong.

* * *

Aragorn and his little love bunny were ambling along on their way to ask the others about that stupid sound that had just prevented him from getting a full work out, damn it, when out of the corner of his eye he thought he espied someone. He turned to look at them. And as his gaze locked with that of Saruman's servant, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and future King of Gondor realised that he was in love! 


End file.
